A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room
number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkelstein, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that
Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as
normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God
bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkelstein in 302.  No one tells me a damned thing...
 

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The school nurse asked a class she was working with, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!". She then sat back down.

The nurse ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??

Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The nurse continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

The happy nurse said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY VERY disappointed!!!

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A 75 -year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 75 -year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and  gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.  We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first  with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing' it  between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

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Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" 

Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed ... with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."